If Our Dogs Could Talk, They’d Probably Cuss.

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Today I’m participating in my very first link-up! Look at me, spreading my little bloggy wings. 

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*First, a little disclaimer. This post contains a lot of cuss words. It’s all in good fun, I promise, but if you are easily offended it’s probably best to come back tomorrow.

Still here? Ok, good. 

Those of you who know me know that I have a mouth on me. On the right day, I could make a sailor blush. I’m working on it (I swear! Heh. Pun totally intended.), but it’s not easy, in part because Mr. B also has a mouth on him, too. I truly believe that there are few things more powerful than a well-placed swear word from a mouth that never cusses. I really do want to be one of those people. It’s just so fucking hard.

Anyway, the other night Mr. B and I were talking about who-knows-what and I took notice of our foul language. I asked if he thought our dogs would have potty-mouths on them if they could talk. I often narrate Joey’s or Daisie’s thoughts for them, but in my idealistic mind, they have pretty clean language. We determined that if they could talk to us, they’d also have horrible language. We even figured out what they’re favorite swear words would be.

FoulMouthedPups

Daisie Mae probably wouldn’t cuss often. There’d be a “god dammit” here and there, accompanied by an eye roll, but it would mostly be when someone disturbed her nap. The word she’d use most often though, would definitely be “fucker“. Specifically, “mother fucker“. It would almost exclusively be muttered under her breath, directed at Joey and thrown over her shoulder with a sideways glance as she walked away from him.

That mother fucker stepped on my head. Again.

That mother fucker stepped on my head. Again.

She has very little patience for his enthusiasm, energy and general puppy-ness. Plus, he’s kind of like a little bulldozer and thinks nothing of plowing her over. He tries to herd her, playfully nips at her ears, pounces around her, runs her over, and tries to steal her toys/chews/food. Daisie is a lazy little thing who is used to being an only child. She tries to express her displeasure to Joey but the little moron just doesn’t get it. So she often just gets up, gives him a dirty look and walks away. If she could talk, I swear she’d be muttering “mother fucker” under her breath as she retreats.

Joey, on the other hand, would likely overuse the word “shit“. Specifically, “Oh, shit!” It would almost never be used in “Oh, shit. She’s mad.” because he tends to not notice (care?) about that sort of thing.

Mostly he would use it in excitement, as in “Oh, shit! Dad’s home!” or “Oh, shit! Stick!” or “Oh, shit! Charlie!” but it would also be used to express an uh-oh moment. “Oooh, shit! Wall!” or “Oooh, shit! Chair!” as he comes barreling through the house like a little madman.

Oh, shit! How'd that happen?

Oh, shit! How’d that happen?

There would be the occasional “Oh, shit! Screen door.” or “Oh, shit! So close.” as he bounced off the side off the couch in yet another attempt to get up onto it. It may even be used in “Oh, shit. Here comes Mom. She’s going to take away this awesome bone that I stole from Daisie.” It could also be used to warn us “Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Someone’s here!” but even then it would mostly be more along the lines of “Oh, shit! Daisie is barking at something!

So yeah, those are the kinds of things Mr. B and I ponder and discuss in our spare time. Deep, I know.

Am I the only one who vocalizes their pets’ thoughts for them? If I am, just lie to me and tell me it’s normal, k? If your pet could talk, what would their favorite swear word be? 

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  • Totally normal. My husband and I do it all the time. We even talk about what our dog’s voice would sound like…would it be deep or high pitched? haha the things we do

    • Haha we do that, too! Joey is a little higher pitched than Daisie, to match his enthusiasm for life 🙂

  • Cindi

    Yes I vocalize for the boys on a daily basis! Honestly though they’ve been quiet since we got back from vacation except Charlie’s last words ” Yahoo that little mother fucker went home!” Of course we all know who he was talking about…

    • Ha. Should I be concerned that Daisie isn’t the only one calling Joey a mother fucker?

  • love the cursing. and we narrate lil’s thoughts ALWAYS. usually she is fed up with us about things

    • Ha! We irritate our dogs too. Sometimes on purpose. (Fair is fair, you trip me in the kitchen and make me spill my wine, I’m going to interrupt your nap by playing with your toe fur.) Either way, it always gets narrated.

  • Nope you’re not alone! I used to talk for our dog all the time. And I’m pretty sure that my dog was a big ole potty mouth. Thankfully my kids haven’t picked up our bad habit….yet.

    • So glad I’m not the only one with potty mouth canines! The fiance and I are already concerned that if we have kids, they will have colorful language. I mean, if the dogs are picking it up, the kids probably will too 🙂