Defeated

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I’m an optimistic, positive person. I really do try my best to see the bright side, the silver lining, and all that other happy bullshit.

I do. I promise.

But this is not going to be a cheerful, upbeat, I-love-life kind of post. Come back tomorrow if you are looking for a half-full glass. My glass today is filled with Ketel One (dirty, up, 4 stuffed olives – in case you were wondering), and while it’s nearly full at the moment, we are barreling toward empty at a mind-boggling pace.

2014 sucks. We are only six days into it, and I am not impressed. It has been chock-full of disappointment. Some of the disappointment has been expected (though no less disappointing), and some of it has been so rough and unforeseen that it knocked the wind out of me. The kind of shocking disappointment that leaves you gasping for breath as you lose all control of your tear ducts. The kind that makes you ugly cry. Repeatedly.

My family has let me down in unimaginable ways, all to pacify someone who hasn’t been honest with them. They have hurt me in ways I could never fathom because they are being manipulated by someone so whose self-centered, cold nature continues to astound me. Based on past experience with this person, I can only imagine that there are lies being told which I will never be able to guess, let alone correct.

I am not hurt by the instigator. I am not shocked by them. I am not grieving the loss of their support or unconditional love, because I never truly believed it was there. I am, however, blown away by the reach they have. By the family members who let me down because of this person. I am heartbroken by the people I thought were my biggest supporters, my most loyal allies, my steady supply of strength. I am discouraged that they could be convinced to abandon me when I want and need them by my side the most.

There is no bright side to this, no light at the end of this particular tunnel.

I am defeated.

Deflated.

Tomorrow I will pick myself back up. I will stand up, forge ahead, and I will enjoy every moment of a beautiful, amazing experience that I will cherish for years to come. But tonight I will collapse into the strong, steady arms of my love. I will cry an ugly, ravaging cry while he strokes my hair and calls on karma to right the wrong. I will let the grief and disappointment invade my body until I am consumed with sleep. Tonight I will give into the hurt, the pain, the unbearable betrayal. I will just feel it; that is all I can do right now.

Tomorrow will be brighter, but tonight I am defeated.

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  • I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I agree that 2014 just needs to start over again! I hope your loved ones see the truth soon and am so glad you have someone to lean on. xx

    • We really do need a 2014 do-over! I am so lucky to have Mr. B, especially when things get so trying…

  • Aw Nikki. I am so sorry your having to deal with this. Unfortunately I’ve been there. I’m hoping you find peace real soon and I’m so happy you have someone to hold and comfort you right now.

    XO,
    Shannon

    • Thank you! It sucks but I am so lucky to have such a great guy by my side 🙂

  • Jessica Shannon

    I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time, I hope things look up ASAP!!

    • Thank you! Things are already looking up, slowly but surely.

  • lady, i hope that the martini helped last night, and that things are looking less defeated this morning, if not totally brighter. i’ve never really gone through something like this, and for that reason, i can imagine how terrible it must be. big hug!

    • Thank you! The martini (and the comfort of my guy) really did help. It’s amazing what a good cry can do sometimes.

  • JenniJo

    ugh i hate that you are feeling this way! I’ve had some pretty crappy family things happen and all I can really say with confidence is that time gives you a lot of healing and perspective! Just take care of yourself and eventually either they will come around or you will find a way to not let it bother you! Chin up buttercup!

    • Family crap is the worst, isn’t it?! I know time will make it better, but in the meantime…UGH.

  • I hate that you’re sad. But… you are allowed to have bad days. Learn from them. Live your life beautifully regardless of them. You will pull through. I know this. 🙂

    • And that’s what it was: a bad day. Okay, okay, bad weekend. But I cried it out and now I’m ready to take on the world 🙂

  • Ughhh I’m sorry to hear this, Nikki. Being disappointed/defeated by family is the absolute worst. Hopefully time will heal and allow you to realize that lost relationships are their loss, too, and that you can carry on and be your awesome self without those who bring you down!

    • Thank you, Lisa! It does suck, but I know time will make it sting a little less. You are so right – all I can do now is keep being the best person I can be 🙂

  • Marsha

    Going through that right now with the loss of my father-in-law; nothing like being kept at bay on the outside from his family!!

    • Ugh, I’m sorry to hear that, Marsha. Family crap is the hardest to navigate, especially when it’s your in-laws! 🙁

  • This makes me sad! Even though I have no clue what is going on I’m very sorry and hope today was better! xo

    • Thank you! It’s been a rough couple of days, but things are already looking up. It’s amazing what a good, hard cry can do for your mood and your perspective. 🙂

  • Twingle Mommy

    Sometimes I think you need to give in and feel defeated so you can pick yourself back up. I’m sorry you’re going through this though.